Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We are two peas in an std pod
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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