This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
