Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
