I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
