Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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