im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
