just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
