I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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