im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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