she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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