She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
