I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
