My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
