I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
