I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
