may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
