but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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