What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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