She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
