I can't breathe out the right side of my face
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
