high people should be assigned attendants
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
