was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
