K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
