my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
