Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
