he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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