How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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