dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
