I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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