Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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