i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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