i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
