Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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