A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
