I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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