Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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