At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
