i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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