i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
