Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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