I'm going to jail i love you
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
