You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
