Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We need to get me chipped asap
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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