you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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