I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
