My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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