Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
