his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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