Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
