you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
